Vigils for the Dead
The purpose of a Vigil Altar is for immediately after the death of a loved one, to help calm the spirit and make their transition easier. Death can be a very traumatic thing, not just for the living, but also for the departed. A death which was sudden can certainly be a frightening time for everyone involved, though even a planned death, such as one after a long sickness at the end of hospice care, can as well.
This altar serves both the living relatives who were left behind, to help give them a space to say their final farewells and to give their love, and the dead, to help give them a lantern light to lead them to the calm part of the storm, so they are not alone, afraid, or confused.
In my family, this sort of altar would be kept up from the day of death until the family member has a funeral and is laid to rest; in some traditions, this vigil space may be kept as long as 40 days after the person’s death. These can be easily adapted to a whole lot of different traditions, and can very easily be made to look non-denominational or even Christian passing if the need arises.
The Supplies You Need:
1. A favorite picture of your loved one, preferably something with them happy and smiling. This absolutely can be with family members for this purpose; for something like an ancestor altar, or family altar, which the family member may be added to at a later date, it is often recommended that there are no living people in the photograph you use, for a variety of reasons which are culturally specific. This photograph is in part to give people a happy focal point, to help them direct their love and well wishes, and partially for the spirit, so they remember who they are and that they were loved.
2. The name of the family member. Full name. You can get fancy with it or just write it on a piece of paper. One way this is sometimes done is a guest log sort of deal, where the deceased's name is at the top of the log and people can write who they are, write down favorite memories with the person, write down prayers for them to be at peace, etc. It is important, however, to make sure everything is kept loving, praising the person, showing their best side. The name and the deeds of a person correspond to parts of the soul, which when intact and healthy, help for the crossing, just as the face is another part of the soul.
3. Trinkets loved by the family member. You can use a favorite piece of jewelry, a favorite pen or stationary, a blouse, glasses, etc, so long as it is something the person had a very strong connection with. These items help ground the spirit, remember who they are, again, so they are not confused or lost, and helps to calm them and connect with all the peace and love being sent their way.
4. Flowers. Now, flowers are nice because they are beautiful and full of vital energy, but I actually use these as a way to mask the water that is in the vase, which is the true object here, as water is a wonderful offering to spirits, who often do not realize they can't drink yet. They can take the energy from the water and feel refreshed, and you can change out the water daily for them, all while making it look like it's nothing more than flowers for their memory. Carnations are the most often used flower for funerals in the United States, I believe, though flower prices are outrageous right now. Even if you go with fake flowers, use real water.
5. Candles. White tealight candles are great for this, because each person who wants to come and share memories with the altar can light their own white tealight candle for this purpose. Having a single 7-day candle in white which can be left burning on the altar for a long period is also good. For a "hidden" altar, you may leave it undressed, but work the intention into the candle by rubbing your hands over the glass that this candle is a light for the dead, that the loved one may find the light and find peace, that it may guide them to all the love of their family, so that they do not feel alone.
Some Tips & Things to Keep in Mind
Things to avoid during this five-ish day period: telling the person they are dead or how they died. I know, it's something that will want to come up. But at least for the first few days, I would not discuss it. Often times spirits are incredibly disoriented, and this can scare the shit out of them and they get angry and lash out. Imagine how you would feel if your son walked up to you and said you were dead, etc. Also, this is not the time to form bonds with the dead, to work with them for any sort of ancestor veneration, etc.
This is a Vigil because you are standing watch, keeping your loved one safe and letting them know they are loved, until their body is laid to rest, and they have a physical space in which they are put. Right now, everything is in limbo, so giving that loved one a space to be in the meanwhile is incredibly helpful in a smooth transition over. Things around the house honestly should not get too weird at all, and likely will actually be calm and warm if it all goes right, which is a benefit to all of the family left behind.
I do, however, recommend a little extra on the wards, to make sure that only your deceased loved one is coming in at this time, and all others are kept far, far away. You do not want anyone else eating at your table and taking a spot you carefully set for your loved one, after all.
Along with extra warding during this time, I also recommend taking some extra time for cleansing your space regularly, clearing out any heavy energy. The grief of one person can be a lot, and can build up quickly. Add to that multiple family members, all processing grief in their own ways, in that space consistently, and it can become incredibly thick. While I find that the vigil itself can be somewhat calming on the environment, it never hurts to do a little extra behind the scenes.
Vigils for the recently deceased can take many forms, and have many purposes. The one I have outlined here is specifically geared at serving for a loved one, and also for the family around them. When my own grandmother died, quite suddenly, this is the sort of vigil I build for her in my own home, and guided the rest of the family in building in my grandparent’s home, as I was unable to physically be there myself.
This is something that is easy to set up and easy to maintain during what can be an incredibly difficult time. It honors your dead. It can bring some amount of peace to the family, and help them grieve. Many families already set up something similar, and with only slight alteration, it can be set with intention to be a vigil for the dead.